Q&A: How to Tell When a “Helpful” Suggestion Isn’t Actually Helping
You get to decide what ideas are a good fit for you.
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Amelia is back with a question that I think we've all wondered about at some point in our lives... What do you do when someone gives you a suggestion or tip that is supposed to be helpful, but it doesn't feel like it's helping you.
Q: Message: Hi Amelia!
First, thanks so much for starting the channel on autistic burnout. I’ve recently realized I’ve been struggling with it for years myself. The little monitor video put words to some of that feeling of “why is this so hard, when everyone seems to manage?” and the way you describe your internal experience in the madwoman video connects to mine a lot more clearly than anything that talks about it as a clear identifiable thinking-type experience.
One thing I am wondering if you’d be interested in talking about is how to tell when a “helpful” suggestion isn’t actually helping. So many of us doubt ourselves and get trained into compliance one way or another. Then combine that with taking instructions at face value and with the way people trying to get us to do something may not even think our particular experiences are possible reactions to a technique or a bit of advice, and it becomes easy to push through discomfort in sometimes really harmful ways. So you hear stuff like “mindfulness! meditation! sit through the discomfort!” and then it’s like “okay, I think I’m dissociating [if you even have that much internal awareness! might just feel nebulously Bad!] every time I sit, but they say it’s supposed to be uncomfortable sometimes…” How to discern what’s good/bad emotional pain and how to get to healthy noncompliance and a slow enough approach to painful sensations, basically.
Hope this is an ok way to contact you about the channel, I tend to avoid even friendly YouTube comments sections. Thanks again and congrats on your diagnosis and new understanding of yourself.
-F
A: Hi, F! I love this question so much, because it's a question I had for decades before we wrote Burnout. I took dance lessons, voice lessons, Alexander Technique, yoga, tai chi, not to mention meditation in therapy sessions, always hearing instructions that everyone else accepted without question while I was like "wuuuuuuuut?!?!!!"
The good news is that I discovered the answer! The bad news is there's no helpful research that will support me generalizing about the answer. The worse news is that the answer is "listen to your body." I know, I hate that answer, too.
But here's a step by step guide to responding to a prompt from a mindfulness guide, according to me and research into neuropathic pain, which confirms that pain isn’t always a sign of immediate danger:
Step 1: Listen to the instructions with curiosity; trust that what they're saying is true for them. Interpret it however you interpret it, don't overthink it. Take the idea for a test drive. Try it on for fit and function, see how it feels.
Step 2: “See how it feels.” Care for your physical person first – are you safe?
a. If there are immediate threats to your safety, then GFTO of there.
b. If you feel safe, continue to step 3.
c. If you feel unsafe, your body might be telling you there's danger, even if your safety isn't really at risk. Maybe you're having feelings of danger for other reasons.
i. Set aside the new instructions and play with them later. This whole project is postponed and we’re taking a side quest to Compassiontown.
ii. Turn toward the feelings. "Hi, Dangerfeeling! I hear you're worried about some stuff. Wanna tell me more about that?"
iii. See if you get any mental images or words of physical sensations that suggest stuff to you. Maybe you’ll have a huge breakthrough of understanding and walk out feeling like a new person. But more likely, you’ll experience something and it will seem random and meaningless. Later, when you’re not in the moment of being instructed, you might want to write the experience down, reflect on it, or talk to your therapist about it.
iv. When it feels like you’re not getting any more information, let the Dangerfeeling know that you are safe, and if it will chill out for a second, nothing bad will happen, and something good might happen!
Step 3: Notice other sensations. The issue with “good” vs “bad” sensations is complicated. That sort of judgement is context dependent.
a. Remember that, if you are safe, then no sensation is inherently bad or dangerous. Sometimes stuff really does “hurt so good.” Jumping in a cold lake on a hot day. A deep tissue massage. Really spicy food. Crying at weddings. See Emily’s books for sex-related examples.
b. If you have a sensation that you don’t enjoy, turn toward that and see if it has more information for you. “Hello, Discomfort! What’s up with you?”
c. Here’s an example: I burned my hand badly several years ago, and practiced observational distance with the pain, observing it without judgement. Mostly, it worked. The pain was there but I interpreted it as my body reminding me to be gentle with my hand, that it was working to heal the wound (healing hurts). Good job, body! But then a few days later, I couldn’t do it – the pain really turned into suffering. I thought maybe I was being a wimpy mindfulness practitioner, but I went back to urgent care just in case. Turned out the new pain was an infection. So my inability to interpret the pain as a neutral sensation came when the sensation was important information about damage that needed attention. Learning to discern those kinds of signals comes naturally to some folks, and the rest of us can learn it with practice.
Step 4: Decide whether you buy the idea or not. Did it fit? Did it seem to have value? Do you want to take it on board, or maybe give it back for now and revisit it later?
Short version:
imagine you and your instructor are on a tandem parachute jump from an airplane. They fall with you, confident and comfortable because they have experience and knowledge. You don’t, so you’re scared as hell. And the only thing to do on the way down is pay attention to the experience of falling, fearing, and landing safely. Maybe learn something. Maybe go again. Maybe decide it’s not for you and try bungee jumping next time.
Simile version:
Learning to listen to your body is like learning a new language. Learning to translate the language of pain has the added challenge of being front-loaded with fear, which is just another kind of pain. Be curious, have compassion, and go at your own pace.
b. If you have a sensation that you don’t enjoy, turn toward that and see if it has more information for you. “Hello, Discomfort! What’s up with you?”
c. Here’s an example: I burned my hand badly several years ago, and practiced observational distance with the pain, observing it without judgement. Mostly, it worked. The pain was there but I interpreted it as my body reminding me to be gentle with my hand, that it was working to heal the wound (healing hurts). Good job, body! But then a few days later, I couldn’t do it – the pain really turned into suffering. I thought maybe I was being a wimpy mindfulness practitioner, but I went back to urgent care just in case. Turned out the new pain was an infection. So my inability to interpret the pain as a neutral sensation came when the sensation was important information about damage that needed attention. Learning to discern those kinds of signals comes naturally to some folks, and the rest of us can learn it with practice.
4. Decide whether you buy the idea or not. Did it fit? Did it seem to have value? Do you want to take it on board, or maybe give it back for now and revisit it later?
Short version:
imagine you and your instructor are on a tandem parachute jump from an airplane. They fall with you, confident and comfortable because they have experience and knowledge. You don’t, so you’re scared as hell. And the only thing to do on the way down is pay attention to the experience of falling, fearing, and landing safely. Maybe learn something. Maybe go again. Maybe decide it’s not for you and try bungee jumping next time.
Simile version:
Learning to listen to your body is like learning a new language. Learning to translate the language of pain has the added challenge of being front-loaded with fear, which is just another kind of pain. Be curious, have compassion, and go at your own pace.
Disney version:
If you never let anything happen to Nemo, then nothing will ever happen to him! Let the little guy experience the world, risky as it is. Just keep swimming.
Do you want more Amelia in your life? She just recorded a great episode of About Progress. Give it a listen here.
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
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Stay safe and see you next time.