Q&A: Vaginal Dryness Even When You're Aroused
What if a person wants and likes what’s happening, but lubrication isn’t happening?
Confidence and Joy is a newsletter by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Subscribe here. You can also follow Emily on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!
⁓⁘⁕⁘⁓
Q: Why is it that I have dryness even when I'm aroused?
A: This is such a common question that you see all over (including in my inbox), and the answers you generally read are… no. For example, drink water? Sure, give it a try; you have to drink a lot of water before it starts to do you any harm, so go for it. Will it help? There’s no reason to expect it will.
So let’s figure out what the heck this whole dryness-during-arousal thing is and what you can actually do about it.
First of all, we’re not talking about vulvar dryness—dryness of the inner or outer labia, which can appear as flaking skin, a kind of “scaly” appearance,” or red patches of skin. That could be any number of things, including infections, and you should talk to a medical provider if you notice changes in the appearance of your genitals. Be gentle when applying moisturizer of any kind to a vulva—avoid all fragrances, stick with products with short ingredient lists. Unless there’s infection or any kind of microorganism overgrowth (in which case: talk to a medical provider), I’m a fan of coconut oil.
No, what we’re talking about is vaginal lubrication, which is the typical physiological response we associate with sexual arousal in vaginas. “Getting wet.” And people most often ask me about it when they hear me talk about “unwanted arousal,” which is genital response that happens when you don’t want or like the stimulus that’s generating it. Have you seen my TED talk about unwanted arousal, and you wondered about things like “but what about when my genitals aren’t wet?” Chapter 6 of Come As You Are answers this question!
Here’s the basics:
Genital response happens when your nervous system is exposed to sex-related stimuli—that is, anything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, think, believe, or imagine, that your brain interprets as predicting that sex is going to happen.
There’s not necessarily an overlap between sex-related stimuli and stimuli that you want or like. Sometimes your genitals respond to stimuli you don’t like, and sometimes your genitals don’t respond to stimuli you do like! The obvious examples involve penises—when someone struggles to get an erection in a sexy setting, or when they get an erection in an inappropriate setting. Same goes for lubrication. Sometimes it happens when you don’t want or like what’s happening, and sometimes it doesn’t happen when you do.
When there is a mismatch between genital response and subjective experience, which is “correct,” the true indicator of how a person feels?
Their subjective experience of course!
And if a person wants and likes what’s happening, but lubrication isn’t happening?
Well the first obvious step is to make sure you’re spending enough time building up to genital contact…Please note: “enough” time is longer than you think, but no, there is no “minimum” amount of time or “normal” amount of time to allow arousal and pleasure to grow before you get to direct genital contact. You know it’s enough not when your genitals are wet, but when direct touch of your genitals feels really erotic, which might be 10 seconds or it might be 40 minutes.
And when that’s done… Lube! Use lube! Find a lube you love and use it every time! I heart lube! Lube, my friends!
If the idea of using lube feels wrong or like you “shouldn’t have to,” or … may I recommend chapter 5 of Come As You Are. Busting the myth that there’s anything problematic about finding and using a lube that works well for your body is one of my main missions in life! I almost never give straight up advice, but this is the one exception: everyone, everywhere, should try lube.
Okay. Rant over. (LUBE!)
But let me take this opportunity to talk more comprehensively about the nature of vaginal lubrication.
First, there are several different sources of lubrication in and around the vagina:
The one we generally think of as associated with sexual arousal comes from a pair of glands at the mouth of the vagina, which are directly connected to the head of the clitoris. Broadly speaking, if you stimulate the clitoris, you eventually get lubrication at the mouth of the vagina.
There’s also the cervical mucus that flows from the cervix down the walls of the vagina and out. This mucus is a vital part of vaginal immune functioning, sweeping away stray potential infectious agents before they have a chance to make their way into the bloodstream.
And then there’s vaginal transudation, which is the expression of fluids along the walls of the vagina itself. This is blood plasma filtered through the tissue to the surface of the vagina. It’s part of sexual arousal and just part of standard vaginal operation.
Second of all, there’s only one really well-established cause of vaginal dryness: the hormone changes of menopause. If you’re menopausal and experiencing dryness, pain, or light bleeding with vaginal penetration, this is probably your situation and there are prescription creams that help. Talk to a medical provider, and anticipate that it takes time for the vaginal tissue to repair itself, so this isn’t an overnight fix, it’s an… over-months fix.
Both (2.) and (3.) are for sure impacted by hormonal changes of menopause. (It’s not clear to me if sexual lubrication at the mouth of the vagina is impacted? If there’s an expert reading this, can you let me know?) There are effective medical interventions—and I’ll be the first to tell you if medical interventions are bogus! Given the right dosage and enough time, these things help!
It can also be a side effect of hormone-related medication, like hormonal contraception. But if there’s anything that’s true about the side effects of birth control it’s that people vary. Literally, the side effects of different pills can include acne and clearer skin, lower interest in sex and higher interest in sex, less vaginal mucus or more vaginal mucus.
Third, if we’re talking about lack of lubrication during sexual arousal for premenopausal women, the answer is: people vary. We don’t know why. I can’t tell you why sometimes your genitals aren’t getting wet when you’re aroused—but I can tell you that the solution is easy: LUBE, MY FRIENDS. Lube it up. And if you’re experiencing discomfort, you have to choose really great lube (bc: osmolality [PDF—here’s a non-pdf resource based on the PDF, which includes specific brand and product recommendations])
Let's say it one more time: Lube!
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
Feel free to say hello on 📷 Instagram, 🦤 Twitter and 🤖 Facebook – I don't always reply but I read everything.
Signed copies of Come As You Are can be obtained from my amazing local bookseller, Book Moon Books.
Stay safe and see you next time.