Reader Q&A: Reliable But Slow Orgasms
Don't sweat the "shoulds." Focus on your own experience of pleasure.
Confidence and Joy is a newsletter by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Subscribe here. You can also follow Emily on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!
Here's another excellent question from a reader about orgasms.
Q: Hi! The vast majority of the material I have read about orgasmic difficulty assumes that a woman can either come pretty quickly and easily from masturbation, or not at all. What is different and unusual about the situation where someone *can* reliably make herself orgasm solo, but it takes 45-60 minutes?
A: Hi! Oh my gosh, you are reading resources that leave out MANY MANY PEOPLE! This is why questions like yours are so important.
Most women do not come “quickly and easily” from masturbation—some definitely do, some do sometimes, in certain contexts, but most… no. That has to do with the cultural definition of “quickly and easily.” I asked Twitter what they thought “quickly and easily” meant and they said, “definitely under five minutes,” and like HOLY MOLY, TWITTER.
Sharing statistics is not something I do, because it’s just impossible for me to say “on average, in the research, women report having orgasms in X amount of time during masturbation” without people instantly judging themselves as good or bad compared with that average. Which is silly, since the sexual experiences of those people in the research have literally nothing to do with your sexuality or anyone else’s sexuality, like what does it matter how long it takes other people? And yet it’s just so difficult to hear a number and not judge yourself or others against it.
But I feel comfortable saying that under five minutes is a “different and unusual” situation. There’s nothing at all wrong with it, but it is not the most common scenario. And even though it seems like a big difference, 5 minutes versus 45 minutes, both fall within the statistical definition of “normal,” and both ends of the range are “different and unusual,” as measured by statistics, though, just make sure we’re all seeing it:
➡️ NOBODY IS WRONG OR BROKEN, AT EITHER END OF THE RANGE. IT’S ALL NORMAL. EVEN OUTSIDE THE RANGE IS HEALTHY. THE ONLY “MEASURE” OF AN ORGASM IS WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIKED IT. Not the mode of stimulation, not how long it took, only how much you enjoyed it.
If there is anything “different and usual” about someone orgasming reliably in 45-60 minutes, it could be that a woman whose orgasms take that amount of time might have either (or both) a less sensitive accelerator and/or more sensitive brakes, so that it takes longer stimulation to the accelerator and/or more time for the brakes to turn off, to get all the way across their erotic landscape to the land of orgasm. This makes theoretical sense, but when I looked for empirical assessment, I couldn’t find any research asking the question, so I can’t say for sure.
If you orgasm reliably in 45-60 minutes, your first step is to make sure you have as much time as your body wants in order to have an orgasm. You are not broken, your body works, there is no amount of time orgasm “should” take, there’s just how long it does take.
PS: If you get frustrated that it takes that amount of time, does the frustration make it easier to get to orgasm? Or does it hit the brakes and slow you down? That's right, it slows you down.
So your second step is to practice loving the time it takes to get to orgasm. Be just a little disappointed if you come in under an hour, since all the time you spend leading up to orgasm is time you get experience the wild and wonderful world of pleasure! Yay!
I know, though. It’s all well and good for me to say, “Love your orgasms as they are.” But the reality is that every other voice in your world is telling you to improve your orgasms, make them faster, make them bigger, make them different, they’re wrong, you’re doing it wrong, just like everything else in your body is wrong, it’s the wrong shape and size, you have the wrong amount of muscle and the wrong amount of fat, all in the wrong places, your hair is an inadequate color and texture, your skin needs work, etc etc etc. The world wants you to be different. You want to be different.
I don’t.
I want you to be exactly who you are right now, and I would love for you to love who you are right now. If who you are right now is someone who orgasms reliably in 45-60 minutes, YOU ARE WINNING. YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT.
I can see an argument for the sheer impracticality of having orgasms regularly if they take an hour. Like, who has that kind of time, right? Unless you have a lot of free time, lots of flexibility in your schedule, and orgasms are a higher priority for you than the many other things you could potentially be doing in that time.
Solution: Mostly, have fewer orgasms, but relish the hell out of them, the whole time. Don’t just be glad when you get to the orgasm itself; really revel in the pleasure of the increasing tension in your body and the spreading warmth of the arousal process. Enjoy your fantasies, enjoy the sensations in all of your body parts.
Will you ever have orgasms reliably in less time? Maybe. I mean, you definitely could. You can try the various strategies to orgasm faster, most of which will involve deliberately increasing the muscle tension in your abdomen, buttocks, thighs, and pelvic floor and/or using a vibrator strategically. Through experimentation and play, you could find a new kind of stimulation that gives you enormous pleasure and maybe also less time to orgasm.
But I promise you: the first step is being completely nonjudgmental and even, yes, positive about and affectionate toward the orgasms you are already having. The judgment hits the brakes and that only slows things down.
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
Feel free to say hello on 📷 Instagram, 🦤 Twitter and 🤖 Facebook – I don't always reply but I read everything.
Signed copies of Come As You Are can be obtained from my amazing local bookseller, Book Moon Books.
Stay safe and see you next time.