The Benefits of Ecstacy, According to You
Your responses helped me write my new book
Greetings newsletter friends,
I have SO MUCH to write for you that I promised and never got to, but now THE BOOK HAS GONE TO PRESS and here I am, getting to it!
(I announced Come Together in last week’s post. You can preorder it in the USA and UK now!)
Eventually, I’ll be sharing a series of conversations with fellow sex educators I had in oh god spring of 2022. Those are great and I’m looking forward to writing them up.
For now, I want to tell you some results from the little non-scientific survey I sent y’all about ecstasy. Remember that? From like a year ago?
I thought I’d get a dozen or two responses to my little piece of non-science. I got over 600 responses, and 70% of you said yes you experienced ecstasy. Jiminy cricket! So, in order to make this not dissertation-length, for now I’ve decided to offer people’s responses to “What benefits does sexual ecstasy have?” I think it’s the richest collection of responses.
Let’s begin by noting that I deliberately did not offer any definition of sexual ecstasy. I wanted people to refer to whatever they experience as ecstasy.
I’ll add, too, that “What is sexual ecstasy like?” and “What benefits does it have?” seem to have overlapping answers. The benefits of ecstasy seem to be… what ecstasy is like. There were a number of “as I said in my first answer” and “I think I described in my previous answer.” One person even wrote, “The experience is benefit enough.” Y’all—a decidedly non-representative sample of humanity—seem to be pretty convinced that ecstasy is an inherent good. I love that you’re here on Earth with all the terrified people for whom all pleasures are guilty pleasures. And finally, before I describe people’s responses, I’ll note that 4 people said “None.”
So below you’ll find a LOT of examples, but it’s still just a tiny fraction of what y’all said. I hope it’s an interesting and informative selection.
“How does sexual ecstasy benefit you?”
The themes I saw were: (1.) Connection—to a partner and/or to one’s body.; (2.) Reduced Stress; and (3.) Actual Magic. Most people mentioned at least two.
(1.) Connection. This was by far the most common theme, especially connection with a partner.
It is extremely connecting with my partner. I also find that I get better sleep after it happens.
It does strengthen the bond between my partner and myself, and a good experience makes me look forward to reconnecting with him.
It connects me to my partner on a deeper level
Being fully present, connection to the universe,/sefl/others, appreciative of the pleasure my body can bring
Being more in step with my partner, the days go smoother and we feel like a team. More than married, like our souls are working together
I connect with my partner on a deeper and more spiritual level. I am more at peace afterward and feel incredibly beautiful, sexy and loved. I feel like a [gender redacted] in all their sexual glory.
When I have experienced it, I feel calm and revitalized at the same time and way into my partner. It’s like a connection.
It makes us more connected as a couple. Also, it is so good for me to not let my head be in charge but to entirely focus on my body, pleasure and the here/now. In the rest of my life that takes concentration.
Connection with myself or my [partner]. Feeling like I experienced something special that I can think of for days.
Feeling 100% connected and loved by my partner which enables me to feel more loving and compassionate in my everyday life
Deep connection to myself through my bodily sensations and deep connection to my partner. The ecstasy is a bridge to me and [my partner].
Aside from really fulfilling and satisfying in an indescribable way, it improved our already really intense connection. It brought in the ability to have discussions about that and a lot of other things in a new, extra vulnerable way. Everything feels fully surrendered, and the trust is... unlike anything ever experienced or seen elsewhere before.
It definitely makes me feel more physically and emotionally connected to my partner
It helps me connect better and hold more compassion for myself and others. Almost like it connects me to this core human desire of love in its most basic definition.
It creates connection to another person, but mostly to myself. It reminds me of the power of my senses, the breadth of sensations. This can be tapped into during banal parts of life and is helpful in remembering to be present and mindful.
Deep connection to myself through my bodily sensations and deep connection to my partner. The ecstasy is a bridge to me and him.
But also connection to the body:
I connect on a deep, nonverbal level to my spouse and with myself. It can be very hard for me to abandon words, and getting to a place of ecstasy beyond words feels grounding. These connections with my spouse and myself carry over into the rest of life--I feel more joy, I feel less stuck in my head and more comfortable in my body, in general.
Being fully present, connection to the universe,/self/others, appreciative of the pleasure my body can bring
I feel more in tune with my body and expressing myself through my body
Sexual ecstasy is a practice in being wholly in my body and in the moment. It is similar to meditation in that way; having split attention is inefficient and destructive to the enjoyment of the time.
It helps put me in touch with my body, helps me feel closer to my partner and relieve stress.
I think it enhances my bond with my partner and helps me feel happier in my body even when not in the experience.
Because I’m so much more in control of my sexual destiny than I’ve ever been, my confidence level in regards to my body, is so much more positive.
My relationship with my body improves, my connection with my partner intensifies and expands (when the sexual ecstasy is experienced in partnered sex), my mood is more upbeat and I sleep better!
It connects me to myself, which is vital because it’s often difficult for me to stay “in my body”. When I AM able to access the deeper parts of myself, it means everything. Secondly, it binds me to my partner. We’re busy working parents with three children, so quality time can be tough to come by.
It creates and strengthens intimacy, trust, and joy between me and my partner. It also has a specific medicinal quality for me: I live with daily pain from a spine injury/rebuild, and an immune disease that requires painful weekly treatment, so my baseline experience in my own flesh can be a bit beleaguered in the day to day: I actually really need a thriving athletic life and a thriving sexual life to "balance" the experiences of pain and difficulty in my body with experiences of endorphins, oxytocin, etc. - but also experiences of success, joy, and congruence between who I am and how my body will express that, so sexual ecstasy is something I prioritize, prize, nurture. (This idea of pain management/physical healing is common in narratives of disabled people in The Bump’n Book of Love, Lust & Disability.)
(2.) Stress Relief. A lot of people described it as stress relief and something that helped them feel physically and/or mentally better. Ecstasy, if it’s available to you, seems to be good for what ails you:
Cure for migraines - relieves stress - advances relaxation
I am in a better mood, less anxiety, less depression, less stress
Good for my mental health, for my sleep, reduces my stress
Clears my head and reduces stress
It feels like a mental and physical reset button. Usually after sex my mental to do list just pops right back up, but after a moment of real ecstasy, the mental calm and stillness lasts longer. My mind and body feel similar to after a massage in that I just want to soak in what I'm feeling and I find myself more in tune with my body so I am able to feel sensations on my skin, my hair, the way I breathe. I have a deeper connection with my own body.
Heightened emotional connection with my partner. I feel overall happier and life seems easier. The routine and day to day grind doesn't bother me as much.
It is stress release, if shared: relationship strengthening, makes me feel human (loved if shared) & proud of just being
Lowers stress, improves confidence
Relaxation, improved mental health, confidence booster. I like my 54 year old body now.
My relationship with my body improves, my connection with my partner intensifies and expands (when the sexual ecstasy is experienced in partnered sex), my mood is more upbeat and I sleep better!
It releases me from the near-constant experience of fear I have in my body, if only for a little bit. It lets me glimpse what physical relaxation really is. As a result of knowing it is possible I’ve been able to learn more relaxation techniques. It also gives me experiences of sexuality and my own body that really FEEL safe. After sexual trauma and a long period totally disconnected from my body, these heightened sexual experiences have helped me start to reconnect with sexuality as both a thing that is safe and a thing that is part of me.
In these responses we start to see the many sub-themes, like sleep, confidence, and body image.
A very common response was the combination of stress relief and connection, including “stress relief, connection, and … some third thing,” which might be confidence, pleasure, sleep, or exploration, like these:
Much closer with my partner, relaxed, reduced stress
Stress relief, feelings of closeness
Very calming and connective with my partner. Makes me feel present generally. Lowers stress.
A release of stress and tension and a warm euphoric feeling leading to deeper connection with myself and my partner
It makes me feel connected to my partner, it next-level relaxes me for days. Like, stress just doesn't hit the same - it bounces off this bubble of good vibes I have around me, after.
Connects me to my partner. Pleasure. Relieves stress. Promotes sleep.
Stress relief, connection with my partner, pleasure.
It helps put me in touch with my body, helps me feel closer to my partner and relieve stress.
Maintains mental well being for myself as it helps me release stress. Nurtures intimacy between my partner and I. Allows me to continue to be curious in exploring the many different ways to achieve sexual ecstasy beside the traditional intercourse models.
Stress relief, connection to myself and my partner, vulnerability.
increased emotional intimacy, quality time and physical connection with my husband, ease mind from daily life stressors, increase relaxation as usually I fall asleep right away
Decreases stress and makes me more confident in my relationship and myself. Might not make a lot of sense but knowing that someone else knows my body so well makes me feel more comfortable in it, because it's easier to doubt myself than someone else
Stress relief, sleep aid, meditation/prayer, emotional connection with your partner
Release of my tension and stress, wordless connection with my partner, connection to now, connection to all
When I allow (and it does feel like I have a strange permission gateway) myself to live in that space, by myself or with my partner I feel connected. Both to them in a deep way surrounded by trust and also to myself as an animal that is natural. I feel it’s the closest thing to natural behaviour I probably have. Sometimes I struggle to even identify when I’m properly thirsty as opposed to hungry, but the feelings surrounding this feel more natural and thus that connection is grounding. I often have the sense that the following day I want to mention it again because it stays with me in a peaceful way, even if it’s only to say ‘that was so nice, what we did’.
(3.) Actual Magic. People use words like “superpower,” “spiritual awakening,” “magic,” and “sacred”.
I feel like I have a superpower. On really bad days, knowing that I have this ability to feel really good can get me through hard things, like knowing you have a hefty savings account, or a secret stash of amazing chocolate cake that no one else knows about that you can tap into when you want it. Which isn't to say I have access to it every time I want it, but it's manageable to me if I have enough time and am not too stressed during the day.
It reminds me that there is so much more beneath the surface of everyday interactions and sensations. It makes life sweeter and connects me to hope in the face of fatigue and all of the suffering in the world. It brings me gratitude and joy and amazement that my body and being can do this after all of the trauma I have experienced.
It reminds me that we live in a world with so much unseen magic, intangible forces and feelings, and deep connection to the energy of all things. More to life that meets the eye. Deeper places and dimensions that we can access which feels like altered states of consciousness.
It activates my imagination. I feel in touch with who I “really” am, rather than the person life has made me. I feel present in the moment, and can look back and still feel that magic.
Knowing that is there, having touched that reminds me of all the magic in the world. Reminds me that life is sacred connection and I am part of it
It makes me feel more connected with the greater source and universe. It makes me feel like life has meaning.
I feel deeply connected to my partner when I experience sexual ecstasy. I feel like I am in warm bath while gently floating at the same time. I feel deeply satisfied. I also feel like I have the answer to everything, like there's a secret to the universe and I am in on it (that feeling is usually brief but amazing). I feel like everything is illuminated. I feel deeply rooted in my spiritual self.
I think it has given me greater ability to tap into my intuition in non sexual contexts as well. It’s like I’m training a muscle and I can use that muscle in sexual context or in other contexts - to help me get out of my thoughts. It has also increased my self awareness, and, frankly, makes me feel like a bad ass. My body is capable of things I never thought possible. For many years I thought it was hard for me to cum. I would have sexual experiences (too many) where my pleasure was not centered - partially because I did not understand my pleasure or how to get there. Now, it’s like the flood gates have opened (literally and figuratively) and I have more power than I ever thought possible.
My spiritual awakening was closely tied to sexual ecstasy. It makes me feel more deeply connected not just to my partner, but to all of creation. I consider sexual ecstasy to be divine, and it is an important (though rare) spiritual practice in my life.
Confidence, self-fulfillment, and profound connection to each other as well as something deeper. It’s a connection to a source, something universal and spiritual.
Knowing that is there, having touched that, reminds me of all the magic in the world. Reminds me that life is sacred connection and I am part of it
Makes me feel fulfilled, contributes to feeling like life has a purpose
For me, sexual ecstasy is an act of spiritual devotion. [identifying details redacted] It brings me closer to the Divine. … Sexual ecstasy has opened my mind to all of the possibilities of pleasure, and it has inspired me to seek more pleasure in my everyday life. This can be through enjoying delicious food or admiring a beautiful flower. Sexual ecstasy also helps me to relinquish the need for control. … Experiencing sexual ecstasy helps me to be more optimistic - If the world can encompass something so acutely blissful, then there must be other experiences in life that are just as wonderful. Most of all, sexual ecstasy brings me a deep sense of joy that I carry with me long after the experience has concluded.
And I’ll conclude this summary with a few difficult-to-categorize but really insightful favorites:
Connection to my partner. Connection to myself. Gratitude towards my body. Confirming how loved I am by my partner. Building the love I have towards myself. Humility, that the world contains such fucking pleasure, and SE reminds me that I likely have so much more to learn and find about pleasure. The possibilities! It makes me want to examine my life more fully so that I can bring joy and peace to myself and my loves!
It makes me enjoy life more in general. I feel more alive, more joyful, more powerful within myself. Also there is such enormous wisdom inside my body, that I get to access when I am feeling in contact with the energy streaming through my body. Experiencing this has made my life so much better! I feel present inside my body, inside my pelvis. The pelvis is the base from which I feel secure in my body and within my being. When I forget about going into sexual ecstasy (by self pleasure of with a partner) and don't do it for a while, I go in my head, and I'm not the best person when I'm stuck in my head. Then I do more of what I think I should do instead of what I really want to do. So sexual ecstasy brings me in my body, in my being, into the essence of who I really am. When I'm in contact with this energy throughout my day I am such a powerful, joyful, confident, happy, wise and sexy person!
It makes me feel alive, gorgeous, smart, so full of pleasure and good feeling that I can conjure that warm feeling back up days later. The glow and afterglow are different but it is the true ecstatic joy of being human which I only ever really feel on the dance floor or when having sex. Something about physical +emotional+mental makes it a wonderful feeling that makes me glad to be alive and human which is usually really hard and full of pain. And rarely full of un constrained joy with no mental/anxiety attached.
It was a healing experience to have with my body, to know that I’m capable of “letting go”. I’m a [identifying details redacted] and I JUST started having partnered orgasms for the first time. I have a looooong history of sexual shame and I honestly was starting to believe that maybe I just wouldn’t orgasm with a partner. Lo and behold I could not only orgasm, but have otherworldly ones! It has been a beautiful and healing experience and really bonded me with my partner.
Beyond sex itself, it has helped my mental health greatly. […] For me, its not only a way to keep me present and HERE, but it is also a form of SELFCARE, in the best of ways! I am giving not only my body something that it is craving, but I am also giving my MIND something that it is craving!!
In these moments of sexual ecstasy, it is a brief reminder that we are a part of something more expansive than the day to day reality we live in. My chronic pain is non-existent, the connection between my partner and I (or to myself) deepens exponentially and I will often take this feeling with me in the moments to days afterwards. I feel happier, less stressed, more creative and flowing.
After soaking in these responses, I feel really inspired and motivated to pursue ecstasy for myself. As we approach the fall season, I plan to incorporate pleasure practices and biweekly or monthly ecstasy practices for myself. Y’all are beautiful and you remind me why I do the work I do.
Hope this helps!
–Emily
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
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Stay safe and see you next time.
I'm curious about the 4 who didn't feel ectasy. Any insights there?