The Permission Paradox
Inspired by the book "Polywise"
The inspiration for this post is Polywise, by Jessica Fern with David Cooley. People kept asking for my opinion of it, since I often recommend Jessica Fern’s first book, Polysecure, and I finally had time to read the new book.
Review: It’s great. If you’re consensually non-monogamous, I might even consider it required reading.
(Ignore their recommendation to read Sex at Dawn. Here is everything you need to know about evolution and relationships: Humans evolved to be almost infinitely adaptable in every domain of our social lives. We didn’t evolve to be monogamous, nor did we evolve to be polyamorous or polygynous or polyandrous or any other structure; we evolved to be flexible, adaptable, and varied. All human relationships are “natural.” Also, science isn’t a moral arbiter; it can’t give you permission to love who or what or how you love; you give yourself that permission, because you’re a grown up with your own sense of right and wrong. If you want to read about the science because the science is hella interesting, read Bobbi Low’s Why Sex Matters.)
What I liked most about Polywise was how clearly it granted the reader permission not to be non-monogamous. Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) isn’t for everyone—it’s not even for every reader of a book about CNM.
It reminded me of something I’ve started to call “the permission paradox,” which plagues sex educators like me. I want you to know that you are allowed to try and to want and to like whatever is right for you. You want to fuck your partner’s armpit, and your partner is glad to give it a try? Do you! You want your partner to lick the backs of your knees, and your partner is glad to give it a try? DO YOU. And I say it this way because a great deal of the cultural pressure a lot of us have experienced in our lives has been grounded in purity culture, which tells us we’re not allowed to try or want or like anything but a tiny collection of potential sexual behaviors.
But as the cultural discourse evolves—especially as the cultural discourse becomes co-opted by capitalist forces that benefit from us feeling inadequate—more and more people are feeling cultural pressure to try and want and like more and more sexual behaviors, or else. People hear me say, “You’re allowed to try X,” and they feel like I’m saying, “If you don’t try and want and like X, there’s something wrong with you.”
And so I want you to know that you’re allowed to, and also, equally, you’re allowed not to!
For example, among the book tour questions were several that were like, “My partner(s) want to do X so I tried it and I don’t like it. How can I learn to like it?”
And, ya know, there definitely might be strategies to increase the pleasure of just about any sensation… but also… maybe X just isn’t for you. Maybe you just don’t like it—and (this is really important): IT DOES NOT MATTER WHY IT ISN’T FOR YOU. It’s not for you because you have a traumatic history with X. Okay. It’s not for you because you have political objections to it. Okay. It’s not for you because it just doesn’t feel good. Okay. It’s not for you with this partner, even though it is for you with a different partner. Okay. You are not required to explain why or justify or prove that it’s not for you.
Certainly if you’re interested in exploring further, you can do that, whether through experimentation or conversation or therapy. And also, you never have to. You can just say “That’s not for me, thanks.” There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting or liking X, and the appropriate response from a partner is, “Oh, X isn’t for you? Okay, thanks for letting me know!”
There is only one piece of genuinely prescriptive advice that I offer, and that is to explore lubricants, to see if there’s one that’s right for you. Water-based, silicone-based, oil-based, there are so many great, body-friendly options out there now, I think you’ll find something that reduces uncomfortable friction and increases pleasure without interfering with whatever barriers or toys you might use. Lube is good.
Beyond that, I only want you to feel that you have permission to try things that appeal to you. And I never want you to feel like you’re obliged to do anything.
People are talking about polyamory and about CNM more generally a lot lately. And that’s cool! But with that broadening of the conversation comes the permission paradox: people hear that other people are trying something new in their relationships, and they feel like now they’re supposed to try it too, or else they’re “prudes” or “regressive” or “unevolved.” Monogamy and CNM are morally equal. Do you.
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As someone who came of age in the 1960s, the "sexual revolution," I so relate to this permission paradox. It's as if once women were allowed to want sex and to be sexual, we *had* to want it, and we had to do it whenever we were in the situation where it was possible, or else we were "hung up chicks." The right to say Yes was not accompanied by an equal right to say No.
Really, really appreciated this post. This is something we encounter all the time in the adult store I own; people think 'vanilla' is synonymous with basic or beginner, instead of just being one option on the menu of pleasure. I appreciate having your language and framing around this as a permission paradox; I'll be using this concept in my staff training going forward!