As someone who came of age in the 1960s, the "sexual revolution," I so relate to this permission paradox. It's as if once women were allowed to want sex and to be sexual, we *had* to want it, and we had to do it whenever we were in the situation where it was possible, or else we were "hung up chicks." The right to say Yes was not accompanied by an equal right to say No.
Really, really appreciated this post. This is something we encounter all the time in the adult store I own; people think 'vanilla' is synonymous with basic or beginner, instead of just being one option on the menu of pleasure. I appreciate having your language and framing around this as a permission paradox; I'll be using this concept in my staff training going forward!
Do you have any tips for selling, to a partner, the "this isn't for me WITH YOU" without triggering their "there's something wrong with me/I'm unworthy" or "you're not treating me right/fairly if you did X with A but not with me" or (most likely with the former leading to compensatory latter) both?
Obviously in the ideal world people will just accept that the "right" to not engage in sexual acts is absolute, but some (many?) don't.
A relationship I've had recently more or less broke over this dynamic and while it probably did for a reason overall, I've been bothered by the ethics of this: do we have a moral obligation to NOT get involved with people with whom we might not be able (or will struggle to) do things we did with others, preempt that issue from the start, or is it acceptable ethically to tackle it when it raises (or in my case, lowers expectantly and hopefully) its head?
A tough question. My first thought is to tell your partner "I'm not comfortable with doing this right now". An easier way of moving past the moment. And then (hopefully) discuss at a more convenient time when not in the moment.
I think this is a good way to move past the moment, yes, but it's the discussion that is the issue: I'm really asking an ethical question re "do we need to tell new people that we might not be willing to share with them sexual acts we shared with others" in advance, as an early caveat, or is it morally permissible to leave it until the Thing comes (or doesn't) into play and hope for the best. I never felt I "deserve" what others got on any level and focused on what I wanted non comparatively but clearly not everyone is like this.
I think honest and kind communication is best. Tackle things as they come up. I feel like every sexual encounter is a new opportunity to explore "this feels good, this doesn't feel good." Even if you've done X 60 times before, this time you're not into it. It's not about them, it's about you.
As someone who came of age in the 1960s, the "sexual revolution," I so relate to this permission paradox. It's as if once women were allowed to want sex and to be sexual, we *had* to want it, and we had to do it whenever we were in the situation where it was possible, or else we were "hung up chicks." The right to say Yes was not accompanied by an equal right to say No.
Really, really appreciated this post. This is something we encounter all the time in the adult store I own; people think 'vanilla' is synonymous with basic or beginner, instead of just being one option on the menu of pleasure. I appreciate having your language and framing around this as a permission paradox; I'll be using this concept in my staff training going forward!
Baskin Robbins had the right idea.
Do you have any tips for selling, to a partner, the "this isn't for me WITH YOU" without triggering their "there's something wrong with me/I'm unworthy" or "you're not treating me right/fairly if you did X with A but not with me" or (most likely with the former leading to compensatory latter) both?
Obviously in the ideal world people will just accept that the "right" to not engage in sexual acts is absolute, but some (many?) don't.
A relationship I've had recently more or less broke over this dynamic and while it probably did for a reason overall, I've been bothered by the ethics of this: do we have a moral obligation to NOT get involved with people with whom we might not be able (or will struggle to) do things we did with others, preempt that issue from the start, or is it acceptable ethically to tackle it when it raises (or in my case, lowers expectantly and hopefully) its head?
A tough question. My first thought is to tell your partner "I'm not comfortable with doing this right now". An easier way of moving past the moment. And then (hopefully) discuss at a more convenient time when not in the moment.
I think this is a good way to move past the moment, yes, but it's the discussion that is the issue: I'm really asking an ethical question re "do we need to tell new people that we might not be willing to share with them sexual acts we shared with others" in advance, as an early caveat, or is it morally permissible to leave it until the Thing comes (or doesn't) into play and hope for the best. I never felt I "deserve" what others got on any level and focused on what I wanted non comparatively but clearly not everyone is like this.
I think honest and kind communication is best. Tackle things as they come up. I feel like every sexual encounter is a new opportunity to explore "this feels good, this doesn't feel good." Even if you've done X 60 times before, this time you're not into it. It's not about them, it's about you.