I've never been married, but have a few LTRs in my dating history, most of whom I met on dating apps (and websites back in the day), but by the start of the pandemic, I had been single for the better part of 10 years, despite being on and off of dating apps for the duration. There seemed to be just something about the people I met online was not working for me for relationships. I started therapy in 2022, and was absolutely gobsmacked when my therapist introduced me to attachment theory, and explained how it relates to the dating pool once you reach your 30s and 40s.
I felt like I was hit by a lightning bolt and began to read everything I could about it (the book, "Attached," by Lavine & Heller was particularly helpful, as was the Therapist Uncensored podcast). It was like learning a new language! I saw dating profiles with fresh eyes, and realized my own was sending the wrong message. I made changes and quickly met my current partner. We've been together for almost 2 years now, and I am so grateful to have them in my life. If I ever find myself back in the dating pool, I feel like I have all new equipment to navigate the waters differently. Not only did I learn how to interpret the smoke signals others were sending (and that I was sending without realizing it), but I also realized that the number of avoidant attachment style folks out there (which are not the people I want to be in a relationship with), vastly outnumber me at this age, so rather than try to impress them, I'm trying to quickly identify them so I can avoid them and move on! It made me feel less broken, and more empowered to be choosy - with confidence that I wasn't just "being picky" as my mom would accuse, but discerning the type of partner and the type of relationship that would be the healthiest for me to explore, and not wasting my time chasing the duds.
Haha I also met my spouse on Ok Cupid in a similar timeframe or as I like the call it "the narrow window when you could actually meet people online"
My biggest advice is to get out of the app and meet in person. But also my spouse was the third person I dated from the app and it took me maybe two months on it to meet him so, you know, being very very lucky is also handy
I met my partner on OkCupid in 2009. Usually I had long conversations on the site, but when I saw *her* on there, for some reason I suggested we meet right away. Glad I did!
I was a dating coach for a number of years. I'll add to the "Say specifically what you’re looking for" point.
What almost everyone does (which is a mistake) is to say wishy washy things like "I love to go out and have a great time, but I also love to curl up with a good book".
Obviously. All of us have nuance. There are different sides to who we are.
So don't waste time saying the same old boring things that ANYONE could (and does) say.
Interesting. I grew up in the age before dating apps even existed (i.e. ancient history). But, my kids have ALL met their significant others, and a few met their marriage partners through dating apps. A few months ago I asked them what the experience was like. They almost all said that it was discouraging.
Google form! Hmmm not sure abt that but I like the idea of saying to folks to email me at a specific email for just that. I haven’t been on the apps since 2021. And I’m happy for it but there is something g to be said about putting yourself out here and meeting people. You can learn a lot about yourself. I’d love to online date without the pressure to find “the one.” Ugh religious trauma!!!
Wonderful to see Debby’s book mentioned here—one of the best I’ve ever read (and worked on; I work for the publisher). Would love to send you a copy, if you haven’t gotten one yet!
I found that online dating made me more open to and better at meeting people in real life, since I already had the mentality of looking as well as all my smalltalk spiels at the ready.
It has a whole chapter about the rise of choking and other types of rough sex among teens and young adults, along with helpful scripts for how to talk about these topics with an emphasis on consent and safety.
Another chapter, “Sex on the Spectrum,” provides a lot of great ideas for how to talk about sexuality with autistic youth.
Online dating is so fascinating! Esp how it changes.
I checked OK Cupid’s blog and they took away ‘visitors’ (I think that’s what you were discussing?) in 2017. They also mention that it’s okay for women to write first now:
“When you’re interested in someone, you should message them. Men who send a first message between 40 and 90 characters have the highest chances of a reply, and women who make the first move are 17% more likely to end up on a date than those who don’t.”
I've never been married, but have a few LTRs in my dating history, most of whom I met on dating apps (and websites back in the day), but by the start of the pandemic, I had been single for the better part of 10 years, despite being on and off of dating apps for the duration. There seemed to be just something about the people I met online was not working for me for relationships. I started therapy in 2022, and was absolutely gobsmacked when my therapist introduced me to attachment theory, and explained how it relates to the dating pool once you reach your 30s and 40s.
I felt like I was hit by a lightning bolt and began to read everything I could about it (the book, "Attached," by Lavine & Heller was particularly helpful, as was the Therapist Uncensored podcast). It was like learning a new language! I saw dating profiles with fresh eyes, and realized my own was sending the wrong message. I made changes and quickly met my current partner. We've been together for almost 2 years now, and I am so grateful to have them in my life. If I ever find myself back in the dating pool, I feel like I have all new equipment to navigate the waters differently. Not only did I learn how to interpret the smoke signals others were sending (and that I was sending without realizing it), but I also realized that the number of avoidant attachment style folks out there (which are not the people I want to be in a relationship with), vastly outnumber me at this age, so rather than try to impress them, I'm trying to quickly identify them so I can avoid them and move on! It made me feel less broken, and more empowered to be choosy - with confidence that I wasn't just "being picky" as my mom would accuse, but discerning the type of partner and the type of relationship that would be the healthiest for me to explore, and not wasting my time chasing the duds.
Haha I also met my spouse on Ok Cupid in a similar timeframe or as I like the call it "the narrow window when you could actually meet people online"
My biggest advice is to get out of the app and meet in person. But also my spouse was the third person I dated from the app and it took me maybe two months on it to meet him so, you know, being very very lucky is also handy
I met my partner on OkCupid in 2009. Usually I had long conversations on the site, but when I saw *her* on there, for some reason I suggested we meet right away. Glad I did!
I was a dating coach for a number of years. I'll add to the "Say specifically what you’re looking for" point.
What almost everyone does (which is a mistake) is to say wishy washy things like "I love to go out and have a great time, but I also love to curl up with a good book".
Obviously. All of us have nuance. There are different sides to who we are.
So don't waste time saying the same old boring things that ANYONE could (and does) say.
Say stuff that is very unique to you.
Interesting. I grew up in the age before dating apps even existed (i.e. ancient history). But, my kids have ALL met their significant others, and a few met their marriage partners through dating apps. A few months ago I asked them what the experience was like. They almost all said that it was discouraging.
My Wife and I met on a dating app in 2013 and we got married on June 7, 2019.
Google form! Hmmm not sure abt that but I like the idea of saying to folks to email me at a specific email for just that. I haven’t been on the apps since 2021. And I’m happy for it but there is something g to be said about putting yourself out here and meeting people. You can learn a lot about yourself. I’d love to online date without the pressure to find “the one.” Ugh religious trauma!!!
Wonderful to see Debby’s book mentioned here—one of the best I’ve ever read (and worked on; I work for the publisher). Would love to send you a copy, if you haven’t gotten one yet!
That would be lovely! Drop a line to unrulywellness@gmail.com ?
I found that online dating made me more open to and better at meeting people in real life, since I already had the mentality of looking as well as all my smalltalk spiels at the ready.
Omg. NATO dating! https://nypost.com/2023/12/07/lifestyle/what-is-nato-dating-check-out-gen-zs-top-2023-dating-trend/
Based on my personal experience that's how you wind up married, just saying
I chose "Yes, Your Kid" as one of my favorite books of 2023. I wrote about it here:
https://www.teenhealthtoday.com/p/teen-health-todays-favorite-books
It has a whole chapter about the rise of choking and other types of rough sex among teens and young adults, along with helpful scripts for how to talk about these topics with an emphasis on consent and safety.
Another chapter, “Sex on the Spectrum,” provides a lot of great ideas for how to talk about sexuality with autistic youth.
Online dating is so fascinating! Esp how it changes.
I checked OK Cupid’s blog and they took away ‘visitors’ (I think that’s what you were discussing?) in 2017. They also mention that it’s okay for women to write first now:
“When you’re interested in someone, you should message them. Men who send a first message between 40 and 90 characters have the highest chances of a reply, and women who make the first move are 17% more likely to end up on a date than those who don’t.”
https://theblog.okcupid.com/why-were-removing-visitors-847b00f4293d
Good luck out there, everyone!